Shouldn't…but Do

Marking the creation or dissolution of a union, what does a piece of paper mean?

Philosophical and emotional arguments rise between, and around, couples seeking sanctity of relationship without the legal bind of a marriage license.  How can an earthly document confer justification for loving bonds that are surely the product of divine intervention in our dusty affairs?  Why do we need that piece of paper?

Of course, some do not need that piece of paper.  Living together in unmarried bliss is popular these days – but that is not this story.

And in the end – when one out of two marriage relationships runs their course before death did they part – what is the need for an earthly document to confer justification for ending surly bonds that were surely the product of demonic intervention in our dusty affairs?  Why must we wait for the weight of judicial ink to legitimize a long done deed?

I can speak only for myself.

Marriage, like any other ritual, recognizes and reorganizes boundaries–these two are together, they have certain rights, obligations, and a changed status in our society.   A marriage license is capable of taking the ephemeral nature of relationship and reducing it to dated script on a page.

A decree of divorce also recognizes and reorganizes boundaries – these two are no longer together, each has certain rights, obligations, and a changed status in our society.   A decree of divorce is capable of taking the muddy detritus of an exhausted relationship and casting it out – clean and succinct on paper that can be held, scanned, and filed.  The word is good.

But the interesting stuff is always what is in between – in the deed.  As light is both particle and wave, so relationship is both word and deed.

The deed of marriage includes the creation of space to allow energies, stories untold,  to percolate, inform, and intrude into the lives of our partners.  To watch, to support, to help another through the years – by both kind word and courageous deed of standing by as witness to their transformation.

Their struggles are not ours, but can be held by us – and we can be worked by their torment – but we may not impede, intrude and seek to extinguish their struggle because it makes us uncomfortable.

We are worked by respecting the work of another.  In this space before I have invoked the word namaste – to honor the divine life of another.  That – I believe is the shining work of any relationship.

And when the deed is done,  there is value in following strings and struggles back to their origin in ourselves, to suffer long enough to  take them back – lest we do it all over again, with or to someone else.  Some of us – like me – just take a little longer to catch on – like 20 years worth.

Neither a marriage license or a  divorce decree  touch these things – they are simply the words that mark the beginning, and a conclusion, of that deed.

Because relationships are energetic, they can never end, they only change – both documents recognize that.  But the decree of divorce terminates time with the masque, while leaving the good work done with the energy.

I will celebrate the day I get the word I am divorced.  Not with a bender, or with grim, resolute triumph – but with a broad smile, and a balloon I think.  A yellow helium balloon.  And I will take that balloon somewhere pretty, and I will let it go.